Joe wants to be knocked up...

CHRIS: Maybe you don't want to be a missionary... you want to be a nun.
CRISSY: Nuns can't get knocked up...
JOE: Oh yes they can!!!!!

JOE: Gosh I'm hot now! I'm having a flash in my brain or somethin'!
JAMES: Apparently I make Joe hot!
CHRIS: Or he's going through menopause...
JOE: James, you make me go through menopause.
CHRIS: You know if you go through menopause, you can't get knocked up!

JOE: I had my mouth attached. If I could have spit out, I would have...

JOE: I don't know why it's making that noise... Oh wait, yeah I do! I'm not squeezing...

JOE: Ohhhh.... you got gum!!!!!

JOE: Man, there's still 6 tic marks...
KATIE: What, did you think they would disappear as you drink more?
JOE: Well, it's a Gatorade bottle... it reminds me of oatmeal...

JOE: I almost put it in my lap...
KATIE: What, don't have room for more than 54 inches?
JOE: Do you know how much 54 inch underwear costs???

CHRIS: You know, this will bring you back to the site of the 54 inches...
JOE: Yeah, so I gotta bring the right girl... maybe that should be a honeymoon destination.

JAMES: Hair!
JOE: Hair today, gone tomorrow!

Nerd Speak

JOE: Let's go skipping through wildflowers...

JOE: Well I used the "L word" with her... maybe I need to be more careful with that word.
CHRIS: Because you know what Katie does to people who say "I love you" too early...
JAMES: Makes out with them?
JOE: Well, maybe I should have said it to you earlier then...

JOE: I caught the bouquet once... and then I went to go hide in the closet.

JOE: You should see my Dance API, oh my gosh!!!

JAMES/CHRIS: Joe.upTime(); ?
JOE: 25 years... that's all I know.
JAMES: I want it down to the millisecond...
JOE: You do that, and I'll throw the fuckYouException!

JOE: Are you a fan of hooters?
KATIE: *blank stare*
JOE: I like them big boys!!

Lobster Costumes

JOE: Mmmhmm... Baby, she's got it... mmmhmm...

JOE: It's amazing how versatile the female body is...

JOE: Well, I've got it now... let me know when you're ready, baby!
KATIE: I don't know that I'll ever be ready for that...
(to see the Big Boy music video)

KATIE: Sometimes you do things you don't intend to do.
JOE: Yeah, there was this girl last weekend...

JOE: You're going to be red in two weeks?
CHRIS: If I have anything to do with it...
JOE: You could just get really sunburned, and then you'd be red the whole time.
JAMES: That sounds like a plan.
KATIE: Or you could get married wearing lobster costumes...
JAMES: An even better plan!

JOE: I think James is a LOT more interesting... he has a lot more facial hair than I do... I have to go to the bathroom now...

Cupcakes

CHRIS: Did you make them for any special occasion? (Joe brought in cupcakes)
JOE: Oh, yeah... I'm pregnant.

JOE: Make a move, James... Pick your cupcake!!!

CHRIS: Even if he weren't engaged, it would be awkward because she's the younger sister of his ex-boyfriend... ("he" being James)

JOE: I guess I can eat another cupcake... It's all Crissy's fault.
KATIE: Because she impregnated you?

JOE: I want to be closer to you... can I see your birthing video?

What Joe wants in a woman...

JOE: She's 20... she's studying nursing... and her brother just died. It's perfect!
(Joe's thoughts on the girl he met through hotornot.com that is currently studying in Japan)

Weekend Plans

CRISSY: I shared my plans for the weekend... what's everybody else doing?
JOE: I'm taking my duck for a walk...

JOE: I can show you what Chinese money looks like...
CRISSY: I've already seen it. Thanks, though.
CHRIS: That sounds like a bad pickup line...
JAMES: Wanna see my Chinese money, baby?

Big Boy

JOE: I haven't made it that far yet... I've only been to second base. (somehow, this conversation was related to the MetroLink... how, I don't know)

JOE: See you around, big boy!!
JAMES: (blank stare)
JOE: I say it to all the guys...

The King and I

JOE: They had a menu item called 'Angel of Thailand', and it reminded me of a stripper name. Doesn't it remind you of a stripper name?
KATIE: It reminds me of the song 'Angel of Harlem' by U2.
CRISSY: It reminds me of a racehorse.
JOE: I saw your jeep outside.
KATIE: This is the most disjointed 10 seconds of conversation ever!
JAMES: I have water.
JOE: My roommate would say "I have gas", but I'm not my roommate, and I don't have gas.

JOE: Man, you're wearing a tie?!?! You up-dud me!

CRISSY: I think I have fleas.

JOE: I only got one punch in kindergarten.
CRISSY: I bet you got punched more than that...
JOE: Only by a girl I tried to kiss once... no wait, that was junior kindergarten...

JOE: (in a strange high pitched voice) "Hi Katie, I'm a peacock"... or something.
CRISSY: It's a pink flamingo, you moron.

CRISSY: How do you manage to still talk with your foot in your mouth?
JOE: I stretch a lot.

Dinner at Joe's

JOE: Yeah, if I was born in the 50's or 60's, I would have just called her up and said "Hey, I wanna date you." (Note: "her" being Haley Mills, star of the original 'Parent Trap' movie)
KATIE: Oh, so you would have had balls back then?
JOE: Yeah! I think everyone in the 60's had balls... well, except the girls...


CHRIS: Well, maybe it would work if you eat gazelle...
JOE: I know a girl with the last name Gazelle.
JAMES: Well, do you eat her?

(When asked to spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...)
JOE: Super... duh... cali...

KATIE: Their habits went to about mid-calf... (referring to the nuns at my high school)
JOE: Skanks!!!

JOE: See, this is useless information, unless you're looking for jeans... I know a girl named Jean... no wait, she's done.
MATT: Did you cook her?

JOE: So I'm gonna get pregnant now.

JAIME: It all connects.
JOE: Malcolm X???

Pipe Problems

CRISSY: It went down the wrong pipe, that's all.
JOE: I've had that happen before... I had to call a plumber.

Just Do It!

JOE: I'll have to see about a guest... unless you still want to do it with me?
CRISSY: I might go as your date, but I won't do it with you...

Junk in the Trunk

JOE: Why are you checking out my trunk?
CRISSY: I couldn't help myself.
JOE: Crissy, I never knew you felt this way about me...
CHRIS: Well, she does want to have your babies...
JAMES: ... and drive your car.
JOE: But I don't have a stick shift...

JOE: I've never checked out a train's transmission...
CRISSY: I've checked out its trunk.
JOE: Would that also be its caboose? I've seen some nice cabooses...

CRISSY: Well, you do have feminine properties...
JOE: I have the junk and the trunk, and the rack I guess, so maybe.
JAMES: And he doesn't have the manual.

Note: I really have no idea what date these quotes were said on. I found them written on a napkin in my desk drawer.