Horses and girlfriends...

JOE: Hardees has really good breakfast... my dad used to take me there for breakfast... before funerals.

JOE: You should buy one of 'em and ride your horse to work.

ANNA: You get a ticket if your dog shits on the ground. I can't imagine what they'd do if a horse did...
JOE: Put a diaper on your horse!

JOE: You can buy deodorant for your horse!

KATIE: Well aren't you special...
JOE: Only when it's cold.

Note: In high school, Joe had a girlfriend for 9 months - but he never kissed her.
ROD: On purpose?
JOE: No... I don't think I was ever attracted to her.

JOE: Yeah... then I found out that she cheated on me...
KATIE: Joe, how can someone cheat on you if you've never even kissed her? What'd she do, walk down the hall with another boy?

JOE: Now, if you were under the influence... you might be laughing...
JAMES: Under the influence of what?
JOE: Ethanol.

Lunchtime fun

JOE: When I'm in a hot tub, I just wanna be by myself... ... ... I mean, when I'm in a hot tub with other people, I get distracted...

JOE: Friday, I got a phone call... and then I found $5.

CRISSY: When I get drunk, my lips and tongue get all tingly...
JOE: I've been there...
JAMES: On her tongue?

JOE: I poked some people I haven't talked to in a while...

JOE: Well, some things are at my head.

JOE: I love java... not that I don't love you...
CRISSY: I know I'm gonna have your babies and all...

Annie, Chuck, and Andy's Birthday Outing

JOE: No! It wasn't anything bad... we didn't sin or anything...

JOE: Woah, Greg... you're in my safety bubble. Get out!!

JOE: Chuck had a truck, that got bucked by a duck. Then it was fucked, so it clucked as it chucked a puck, which sucked.

JOE: Ken Kaid can suck my balls.
(note: Ken Kaid is Joe's insurance agent.)

JOE: She blows really good!

KATIE: You weren't supposed to move.
JOE: Well, he was flicking my pimples!
(note: someone was flicking his nipples, not pimples)

Honorary Joe Quote
KATIE: So I hear you guys like to marinade your meat together...
BRIAN: You better believe it!!!!!

Another Lunch at Work...

Note: I wrote these down while at work a while back, so the date at the bottom is probably not accurate...

KATIE: Joe, you're done!
JOE: Yep, I'm done... meaning that I've reached 165 degrees for 5 seconds... ... ... that's how you cook ground beef if you want it medium well... ... [Katie stares]... ... what? You don't have to grind me up before you cook me!

KATIE: He was over a foot taller than me.
JOE: That would be to your advantage.
KATIE: Explain to me Joe, how exactly would that be to my advantage?
JOE: Well, no... I guess it would be to his advantage... depending on whether you prefer to look up or down...

Tuxford and the like...

JOE: I bet my banana's bigger.

JOE: I think it would be exciting to manufacture water...

JOE: That sub is cute!

JOE: I wanna buy a Neptune... ...well, think about the planet that comes after Saturn... I didn't want to buy a Uranus - that's just wrong!!

JOE: So what's your favorite gas station?

JOE: So Crissy, how's your DNA doing?

JOE: I like your fresh fruit...

JOE: What do you wear to a prom, if you're a male? short form...
CRISSY: a tux?
JOE: Ok... what company made the Model-T?
CRISSY: Ford.
JOE: Tuxford... that's the street I live on...

KATIE: So what did we miss?
JOE: Nothing!!! I was just drinking my Squeeze-It!

Lunch Today

JOE: That's alright... Crissy will have my babies, right?

JOE: Hey Katie, wanna go brush our teeth together?
KATIE: No, I'm good...
JOE: I'll even let you use my toothbrush...

JOE: I put my foot down the other night...
JAMES: Were you walking?

Honorary Joe Quotes - The College Years

TIM R: Remind me to bring my dick on Friday.

PHIL: (while looking behind me to check out my ass) Where's Paige?

GREG T: Will you frost our tips?"

PAT: Dude, spray your holes!

PAT: I would so grope his genitals."

PAT: You gotta do housekeeping down there... because trimming makes it look longer...

KATIE: I didn't do you in the hallway... (referring to Annie)

TASHA: What is it with guys violating our bed buddies?

CHIP: (to Pat) You can poke me any other day...

MATT: You should just do something out of protest... and be protesticle.

MATT: We were there... and she walked in with my boyfriend...

CHIP: Stop fingering it, Paige...

LENA: Make sure he pokes you before he POKES you...

MATT: Can they get me free tickets?
LANCE: Free kidneys?